February 2016 Horrorscopes With Steffi’s Stars

What lies ahead for all you horoscope lovers? February will bring you everything from punch-ups, lack of trust, let downs, and an overwhelming barrage of low self-esteem.

A rocking month this will be for you Aries. Punch-ups, court summons and the occasional backlash from ex-partners. Stay tight and remember the song: “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”

Think you can get away with it? Think again. Whatever thoughts you have you better keep them to yourself. If it’s a miracle you are looking for then join a religious institute for that because you ain’t gonna see much here buddy.

What a month this will be: lottery winnings, big prizes paid out on the radio, lucky dips through the post and wonderful news spreading throughout. Unfortunately for you Geminis you won’t be seeing any of it so braze yourself for more hard slogs and knuckle down and remember one word this month that might just save your arse: reality.

Dress warmly this February because you are about to have encounters with the occasional could shoulder, icy dealings with partners and if you have any assets at all they are likely to be frozen.

If you can’t afford a decent winter break this month away from the snow, plummeting temperatures and mid-winter’s depression then just stay home and suffer like the rest of us. Leos have had way too much of a good thing over the last few months; it’s time you suffered a wee bit like most folk. It will keep you alert.

Your best month of the year and the best month for many years but you will have to wait until December 2019 when the arrogant ray horoscope shines out of your arse. Until then, you have to wage war with yourself in order for you to wake up and realize what hellish life really means to the ones who cannot afford one.

Tipping the scales is an understatement for your Libras out there. If you are still on that unrealistic, highly unlikely no- chance-of-ever-achieving-weight-loss plan, then forget it now because your New Years’ resolution has well and truly out-lived its sell-by date on Jan 5th where the majority of people realize they are never going to fulfill their New Year plans. You are still going on…chuck it!

Finances will be at a loss in February but Steffi says buy a lottery ticket this month – on Tuesdays only. Numbers 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 and 12 are recommended (in that order). Well, at least if they do come up there’s no chance you will have to share your lot with some other greedy dreaming fuckwet. Scorpios should just go for everything this month: the neighbours, the annoying sales person who keeps calling at your door and all your nemesis. At least you get to let off some steam.

If you are involved in something for the long haul like a business venture then pull out while you can because you are going to get turned over. Somebody is lining you up for a fall. They will lure you in, bend you over, pull your pants down and…………! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thinking about starting a new fitness regime this month? Then this is the best time to start because you will already have a head start over the January starters; they’ve all given in by now and are already beginning to work on their summer stomach flattening. We all know they won’t make it and neither will you – even with your head start – but at least you are being dealt some hope and as we all know: nothing sells better than hope.

Nothing will go right this month but did you expect anything else? Yeah, you probably did and it’s your fault for thinking so positively. Try a bit of negativity now and again; it keeps it real, know what I mean?





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