Goal Line Style Technology To Be Fitted To Married Men
News emerged yesterday, that following intensive lobbying by The Marriage Guidance Council, the government are to introduce a law which will require all newly married men to be fitted with an electronic sensor that will be able to detect if they have stepped over the line in a manner likely to cause upset or annoyance to their wives.
The tiny device, similar in concept to the goal-line technology introduced by the Football Association in 2014, will be surgically attached to the man’s testicles and will deliver an electrical current which will vary in intensity depending on the subject’s misdemeanour’s.
At present, it’s believed that a relatively minor offence, such as leaving the seat up in the toilet or throwing a pair of dirty socks into the corner, will result in a mild jolt of around 30 to 40 volts, whereas the more serious aberrations, which will include: criticising the mother-in-law, tutting while the woman attempts to reverse a small hatchback into a space large enough to accommodate a double-decker bus, or getting the woman next door pregnant, will induce a current powerful enough to vaporise the miscreant, leaving just a pair of smoking boots.
A spokeswoman for The Marriage Guidance Council told reporters: “We regard this as a real step forward in relationship management. If this initiative proves successful we hope to implement plans for a proposed ear piece, or grommet, which will be implanted in all married men - newlywed or otherwise - that will issue a high pitched whine during all televised sporting events thereby saving women the trouble”
At this announcement, a male voice from the back of the room was heard to shout “Wonderful idea darling!”