July 2016 Horrorscopes With Steffi’s Stars

As temperatures soar what will July bring all you zodiac lovers this month? Is everything about to get heated to boiling point where you will be forced to blow a gasket? Or, will this month bring you rays of love, luck and fortune? Find out only in my stars.

They say lightning never strikes twice but that could not be further from the truth as the mid-summer reaches its climax. Rev up and gear up for some heavy turbulent times ahead but Aries, as a strong sign, will have enough empathetic insurance to deal with what lies ahead – and enough armour to deal with the amount of idiots you will have to endure during the holidays. Arm yourself well.

Don’t be too kind to others this month of July and during the next full moon because they won’t be holding back when it comes to being harsh to you. Payback time is always at the near so just remember this when a close or a far away one tries to double-cross you. Just use those horns and ram the fucker as you see fit and don’t worry about the consequences as the bastards will no doubt have deserved it.

You might love the sun and the get-away thrill and experience but this month will be a good month to stay at home…for many reasons. Firstly, that holiday you booked looks like turning out to be a disaster with delays, violent outbursts to others with a foreign language and loss of belongings is close at hand…and you haven’t even left your house yet to get to the airport! Just stay tight, buckle up and weather it through until Autumn.

Thinking of the old days when things were better, cheaper and more tolerable to live with? Well keep thinking those thoughts because how you are living today is the exact opposite to those days with you being surrounded by nothing other than rip-off merchants, blowhards and those who cannot talk the talk but have plenty to walk about. Stay true to yourself and if you can’t stay true to yourself then do the easiest thing and lie to others. It will help you accept what life has to offer you.

Too much of a good thing last month buddy so don’t expect to get things any easier this month because July is going to be a rollercoaster ride that was built by a bunch of erection workers who work at night with no lamps and are generally blind with the drink. Meaning: lots of misplaced nuts and bolts are going to come loose and plenty of sparks will fly so get that welding helmet at the ready.

Do onto others what others will do to you. In other words, revenge will be sweet this month as your chart flows like a Monsoon river through a gloomy estate. If you are working then chances are your boss will bugger off to sunshine shores; which is a bad sign as it usually means when you arrive for work the factory gates will be closed. If you are on housing benefits or tax credits – ask for a rise. Well, if you don’t ask you don’t get.

It’s time to wake yourself up from the comfort of your own stupidity and seek out others who are equally like-minded. If you are on the bevvy then get out and meet others who are like-minded and love to get smashed every night. At least you won’t feel out of place as the summer hits mid-season.

For Scorpy people this month will be like you are actually floating on thin ice and the cold waves take you out to pastures unknown to you. Just let that thin crisp crust lead you out into the dark waters and just hope a passing tuna fleet spots your sorry arse as they work through the night shift. Well, after all, it will be the only adventure you will get this month as July will be the same as every other month this year: fuck all good every happens to a Scorpion.

If you are not happy with your life then there is always something you can do about it. Either way, we all mostly have the power to do what you want to do in life. Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to Saggy folks who are normally lazy sods anyway and want others to take hold of your problems. If there is anything needing to be fixed this month do it yourself and stop annoying others to do it for you. After all, it is your life and what’s more: it’s your star sign so your responsibility.

During the course of this summer you will notice many changes taking place but this of course, in true Dafty News horrorscope style, will not apply to you Capry people. First of all, any fortune in this world has to be earned and you have done nothing to earn any good things in life so hell mend you. You might want to start behaving from August onwards to qualify for any good life points.

If at first, you don’t succeed – give the fucker up! There is no use wading yourself through all the crap this month to end up with more crap next month so just give up any plans, dreams or ambitions because we all know you, as a star sign, won’t achieve any of them. Try adding a wee dash of reality to your life. That way you won’t get too disappointed when things don’t work out the way you thought they would.

You know the phrase: being like a fish out of water? Well, this will certainly be the case during July and into August—of 2019. Your gills are full, you can’t swim upstream anymore and you haven’t got the brains to work your way out of a whale net so what chance do you fishy Pisces people have this month? Think of the other things you have to your advantage…I don’t know any of them but just sit back and think of them. At least it will keep you busy and get your brain working some exercise. Oh, wait! Fish apparently don’t have a brain…oh, my mistake.


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