March 2016 Horrorscopes With Steffi’s Stars

Okay horoscope lovers, let’s see what’s in store for you this month.

Saying goodbye to the winter is a great feeling for all Aries and it is a time to head into your chart zone pretty soon but say hello to carnage and utter misery. You thought you were getting away scot-free, eh? Well, you’ve no chance. As Aries likes things realistic I am not going to disappoint you. March is a month for better weather but with all the things going on in your life this month; you wish it was still winter.

Keeping the rain out of your life is first on your list. In fact, it is top priority. Nothing happens for a reason and if you thought the roof caved in on your life in the past month then you ain’t seen nothing yet. Leaks, downpours, flash floods and torrential lashings will occur this month – and I don’t mean the weather. Hard luck, chum but cheer up; you never know what next month will bring.

Don’t hold your hopes up for anything light and easy this month. As usual, Geminis like things easy but boy, you are in for a fucking horrid time. Heavy loads, baggage, upheavals and carrying bucket loads of problems are nothing new for Geminis but this month will be extra special. For the load you will need to carry this month I would start working on my glutes and calf muscles – you’ll need them!

To be honest Cancers, it is not worth reading your stars for this month. One, you won’t want to hear them and two, you wish you never asked. Nothing will go right and everything will go wrong. Don’t make any plans and equally, it won’t be worth anyone else making plans for you. Stay tight and hope to God someone will come and steady your ship. Good luck, you’re gonna need it…lots of it!

Lucky Leos will enjoy a month a little bit better than last month but don’t get too cocky because Steffi’s Stars has some unfinished business with you. Trying to sneak out of situations will only land you in hot water. Be honest with yourself and others may take you seriously because they sure as hell don’t take you seriously any other time of the year. I should know, I have your whole year’s stars in front of me but I am only drip-feeding you them one month at a time – just like you bastards do to all the other star signs. Selfish pricks, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Virgos just can’t seem to piece things together, can’t you? What is it with you Virgos? Can’t you just accept that as each month passes by you still haven’t learned your life’s lessons? I am only including Virgos in my portfolio as it would be very unkind and unprofessional of me not to include you people but to be honest, the month you’re gonna have this month it really is wasting my time. Sleep on it until April.

Librans need to take stock of their lives this month. Waves only crash if pushed by tidal nature but you are really pushing it this month, buddy. Stay out of other people’s affairs, tend to your own stock and open your eyes for what has been blinding you lately. Problems don’t solve by themselves so get on track and start making a bloody effort. Honestly, jeez, you guys kill me.

Floating around all day moping won’t get things done. Grab your destiny in your hands this month and face all your challenges and fears head on. Trouble is brewing in the office, gossip is rife in your neighbourhood and some little fucker has it in for you. Call me old-fashioned but you should stick to your own and look after your territory before some bugger steals it from you. Don’t expect anything of high-ground because right now you are surfing at the bottom of the sea living off the scrapings the crabs left over.

Feeling down, Sagittarius’? Then get used to it. Life is a hard slog and nothing comes easy. Don’t believe that silly song Things Will Only Get Better because it doesn’t and it won’t. Get your head down and get stuck in this month because you are gonna need all the luck and effort you can muster this month.

WOW!!! Have I got news for you? Unfortunately, it is not good news. If you are looking for good news then join some happy guru mind-fuck organization and dance around naked with branches sticking out of your arse. Capricorns are slow this month and it is wise to kick-start your days with as much high energy feelings as possible because no matter what you do your life will seem like a blur of complete uncertainty and discomfort. Don’t hit the panic button just yet because there are worse stars this month than yourselves; so think yourself lucky. It won’t be that easy next month so savour March’s pitfalls – you’ll thank yourself later, believe me.

I feel sorry for all you Aquarius folks this month. You will feel like you are stuck in the mud with heavy boots on and even when you do feel a bit more free; there is always another load of cement waiting to fill your slippers and each day will get heavier and heavier. Try appreciating life more and be more grateful for the little things in life and stop being a consuming moron.who thinks about materialistic garbage rather than the finer things in life. Be more appreciative to your peers and those around you because you’re gonna need them by your side to get you throw what March is gonna throw at ya!

Kindness, empathy and love are all part of this month – but not for you Pisces people. There will be days when you feel you can’t do anything right and even more worse days when you fishy people will definitely be swimming up stream. Don’t take things for granted this month because what you might have now you might not have next month, so plan well ahead and be a good guy. If you don’t follow this advice then hell mend you. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

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