Situations Vacant: Doctor’s Receptionist Required

A busy Inner London general practice are pleased to announce they have a vacancy for an experienced receptionist to carry out light, threatening duties, and to fob off members of the public who exhibit potentially life-threatening symptoms, by using snarled, dismissive statements such as, “Doctor’s far too busy today” and “We may be able to fit you in about 6 weeks”

The hatchet-faced, taciturn old tugboat we seek, should be able to curdle milk at a glance and reduce small children to tears with a single malevolent glare if they so much as fidget momentarily on their chair, or ask mummy to take them to the toilet.

A background in the prison service is preferable although not essential. Similarly, being married to a cowering, pussywhipped, bespectacled worm of a husband would also count in the successful applicant’s favour.

A uniform, consisting of a hideous, floral patterned dress, stout Girl Guide walking shoes  and flesh coloured opaque support stockings will be provided. A choice of weaponry, including firearms, will also be available during working hours.

If you think you match any of the above criteria please march brusquely into the surgery with a face like thunder, push yourself to the front of the queue and demand to see the practice manager in a loud overbearing manner.

The annual salary of 29k will be paid per calendar month and is exclusive of any bribes or protection money you manage to extort from the sick or elderly.

​Members of The Humane Society or anyone with the slightest hint of empathy towards people battling against serious illness need not apply.

For an application form, please write to:

The Terminal Heath & Wellbeing Centre

23 Cemetary Approach





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