Situations Vacant: Typical British Family Required

The Broadcaster’s Audience Research Board are looking for a typical British family to watch and comment on a number of pilot episodes for next years proposed Saturday night TV schedules.

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic dullards we seek, should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing adolescent single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenaged pillock, preferably with an ASBO and an electronic tag.

An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows; including fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky- up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, some blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous-looking, Scottish tugboat with a face only a mother could love and a terrible singing voice.

If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

Britain’s Got Problems.

Unit 5 

Susan Boyle Trading Estate.

London E17




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